Defeating the Dreaded Mary Sue
by Daughter of Inis
Summary: Aragorn and Legolas are fed up with Mary Sues and come up with what they think is a good plan to foil their plots...CHAPTER TWO UP!
1. Chapter 1

The trick to defeating a Mary sue

Disclaimer: Don't own anyone etc…

Aragorn stormed angrily into the hall of Minas Tirith, fuming and huffing.

"Now what be the matter with ye laddie?" Gimli inquired, puffing a smoke ring.

"I'm so tired of being in theses stupid fanfictions!!" He screamed, ripping a large handful of hair out of his head. "Owww, that hurt… but anyway! I cannot take one more Mary Sue swooning over me, kissing me, getting attacked by orcs and making me save her, teaching her how to fight etc. and how on earth do I have so many random and adopted daughters when I don't have children yet and the list goes on!" He plopped down exhausted on his throne. Gimli just sat there, rather bewildered at his friends behavior. Just then Legolas dragged himself through the door, covered in mud and panting like a dog.

"If I see… one more hideous, unsightly, dim witted Mary Sue… I think I'm going to kill her."

"What happened this time?" Aragorn asked, already having a good idea of what had transpired. Legolas scowled.

"Elethiel-bright-star-sunshine-peredhil!" he mocked in a high falsetto voice. Gimli scratched his head. "I got kissed and coddled, drug across Mordor to save her, rode all over Rohan trying to find her after she was captured by Dunlendings, made to teach her to fight, speak Elvish and all this in less than 24 hours!!! I think I'm gonna die…" He collapsed to the floor.

"What are these Mary Sues you speak of?" Gimli asked.

"WHAT ARE MARY SUES?!" Aragorn and Legolas cried in unison. A babble of incomprehensible words followed, including several curses in Elvish.

"HOLD IT!" Gimli cried. Aragorn and Legolas stopped short, their mouths still open. "Are these Mary Sue's those things that make you two disappear so often?"

"Yes! And we're sick of it!' Legolas cried, exasperated, slowly struggling up from the floor.

"How come I've never had one?" Gimli questioned. Legolas and Aragorn turned to each other, murmuring.

"Do dwarves have Mary Sues paired with them?"

"I don't know…"

"I suppose not."

"Maybe he's too short?"

"No, I once had a MS who was three feet tall!"

"Really?"

"Maybe it's his beard, why would you kiss someone with a beard?"

"You have a beard…"

"Oh, yeah, but not that fluffy. But they're Mary Sues! They'll kiss anything!" After this hard deliberation they turned back to Gimli.

"We don't know. It's just that we get pulled away into some part of our world, and are made to do ridiculous things. Even though I'm married!" Aragorn frowned.

"Oh. Well can you resist it at all? Seems like a good axe would bring one or two down…" Gimli suggested.

"By the Valar, I hadn't thought of that!" Aragorn cried, elated.

"Wait, they're women, we can't kill a woman! We would be dishonored!" Legolas cut in.

"Oh, right…" Aragorn tapped his chin.

"I GOT IT!" Legolas exclaimed. "So, they make us do all these ridiculous things because they think we're so 'hot' as they call it. All we have to do is make ourselves 'un-hot'."

"Perfect!" Aragorn cried, "How do we do that?"

"Don't bathe for a few months, grunge in the dirt etc.," Legolas explained.

"Oh, you better let the hobbits in on this one too… Frodo e-mailed me last week saying as how he was mobbed by one MS so badly, she made him come back from the Grey Havens!"

"Phewww, this is getting serious."

"I'll e-mail him right now." Aragorn whipped out his shiny Mac laptop.

To:

From:

Frodo, Legolas has come up with a brilliant plan to save us from the MS's. Make yourself as 'un-hot' as possible. Eat as much as you can, don't bathe and all other things you can think of to make yourself 'un-hot'. Pass this on to Merry, Pippin & Sam.

-Aragorn

LATER

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli set off from the palace down to the lowest level of Minas Tirith where most shops were. After trying several different boutiques, they finally found the proper store. Above the door it read, Evil Villains Warehouse. Stepping through the door Legolas turned to the shopkeeper, but was frightened to see a Nazgul behind the counter.

"You're supposed to be dead!" he cried.

"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. I needed a job after the Boss keeled over. So dude, like what do you need?" the Nazgul asked in a drugged sounding voice.

"Um, where is your cologne section?"

"Third isle on the left."

"Ummm thanks." And the three disappeared. On the third isle they found row after row of black and poison green bottles of orc cologne. Gimli picked up one and sniffed it. He promptly gagged.

"This one will keep 'em off you." He said in a stifled voice. The label read,

Lurtz Vaggabond Signature Scent!

Maggoty Bread

Aragorn picked up a green bottle of 'Este Slaughter's Warg Dung' and looked it over suspiciously. Legolas looked down the shelf wondering at 'Ringwraith Stab' 'Goblin Grease' and 'Mummikil Carcass'. Then he innocently picked up a bottle of 'Balrog Breath' and promptly passed out on the floor.

"I think we have a winner." Aragorn mused.

10 bottles of Balrog Breath were placed on the counter in front of Nazgul #5.

"Dude, like what the heck are all you guys going to do with this?"

"Defeat the MS's." Aragorn said in a hushed tone, looking about cautiously.

"Oh. Yep, you sure aren't the first to be in here. Had a couple dudes in here last week looking for some. They got some 'Goblin Grease', but my personal favorite is 'Ringwraith Stab,'" the clerk commented, handing them their purchases. They thanked him and headed back up to the Citadel.

Back at the Citadel…

All three of them sat staring at the 10 bottles of cologne laid out before him.

"How am I going to explain this to Arwen?" Aragorn asked.

"I'm sure I don't know. But we should probably put this stuff on now. It's getting close to sunset, and you know that's when they always strike…" Legolas advised. Suddenly a voice was heard, eerily calling Legolas's name.

"Oh no! It's Elethiel-bright-star-sunshine-peredhil!" he cried. "Douse me, quick!" Gimli and Aragorn sprang into action and poured a bottle over Legolas's head. He then proceeded to pass out. When Elethiel-bright-star-sunshine-peredhil showed up, she found her beloved Leggy on the floor, smelling to high heaven. She floated into the room with a step lighter than that of the elves, dressed in a beautiful red gown, she stared at Aragorn with huge violet eyes. Her hair was platinum blonde and fell below her waist, spilling over her curved waist and generous bust. Horrified she sprang to his side, cradling his head.

"What have they done to you my dear! I shall seek revenge for this maltreatment of my love! Whoever has done this will not stand a chance against my mad sword skills! I shall!" Then she stopped suddenly, "Oh! Ewww! You smell awful!" She dropped his head hard on the floor. Then suddenly she disappeared.

"IT WORKED!!!" Aragorn cried elatedly! "It worked! Yes! High five Legolas! Oh, yeah…are you OK?"

"No…" he moaned weakly, struggling to sit up. "She dropped my head onto the marble." Rubbing his head, he found an egg-sized lump on the back. "But at least it worked!"

"Aye laddie. Twas a brilliant plan." Gimli smiled.

Ahhh, but was it such a brilliant plan? Next chapter soon… Please R&R!


	2. Chapter 2

TWO WEEKS LATER…

"Aragorn? What is that horrible smell?" Arwen questioned as she came into their master bedroom.

"Uhhh what smell? I don't smell anything…" He lied, shoving the bottle of _Balrog Breath_ under the bed.

"Really? You can't smell that?"

"Nope not a thing." She walked over to him and took a whiff, then ran for the bathroom. A few retching sounds followed, then water running. She came back out looking very pale and with a handkerchief soaked in lavender over her nose.

"When was the last time you had a shower?"

"Uhhh, yesterday?"

"Oh, then I guess it must be something in here. Maybe it's a dead rat. See if you can find it." She went poking around under the rug and tables, but he returned to The Minas Tirith Times he was reading. Then to his horror, she began looking under the bed.

"Oh honey I doubt it's…" Too late, she had discovered the bottle.

"What is this? Balrog Breath Orc Cologne? Where did this come from?"

"Uhhh, I don't know…" he lied sheepishly.

"Yes you do, come on, out with it!" her eyes flashed with fire and he knew that look, the game was up.

"Fine! It was to get rid of the Mary Sues! It makes them think I'm 'un-hot' and stuff.! It was Legolas's idea!" He cried in surrender.

"Who is this 'Mary Sue person'? Have you been seeing someone else?" She said aghast. It then occurred to Aragorn that he had foolishly never explained to his wife about MS's. He knew that if she got away with the wrong idea and word got around to Elrond, his father-in-law would have his head on a platter.

"No! No! Of course not! Their fangirls! That type of thing!" He tried to explain, but Arwen was not convinced.

"She's why you're gone so much isn't she! You're not away on business! I can't believe you!" She cried, bursting into tears. "How could you do this to me?"

"Honey I'm not seeing anyone but you! I swear!" he tried to hug her.

"No! Stay away! I gave up Valinor for this? What a fool I am! I'm leaving!" And she ran out the door sobbing hysterically.

"Great! Just Great!" He muttered. He rummaged through a drawer until he found his Palantir. He dialed in Gandalf's number and waited while it rang three or four times.

"Hello?" the old wizard said, his face appearing on the screen.

"Hey Gandalf, it's Aragorn. I uh, need some help."

"With what?" He asked smoothly, puffing on his pipe.

"Arwen…"

"Oh, no don't even get me started on women! Once I knew this girl, real sweet talker, got me into this whole mess where I ended up having to pay 10,000 barrels of long bottom weed to cover a fire-works store she blew up. Then there was this other time…"

"GANDALF!" Aragorn shouted. He stopped in mid sentence and blinked at Aragorn. "Just let me explain…" and he spilled the whole story. "Is there any way I can convince her I'm NOT having an affair? And can you call her to see where she is? She won't take a call from me, that's for sure."

"Well, really you should have told her about the MS problem long ago, but that's your affair. Not mine."

"Then you'll call her?"

"I'll see what I can do…"

"Thanks Gandalf, I owe you one." And he hung up.

LATER

The Palantir rang and Aragorn scrambled to answer it, nearly knocking over a lamp, a vase and a candlestick.

"Hello? How did it go?" he said anxiously.

"Oh, everything is fine. She calmed down when I explained it all to her, but she says she's not coming back until you get rid of the cologne."

"Well, where exactly is she?"

" She's in Rohan staying with Eowyn and Lothriel. Took a flight over there a few minutes after she left."

"Well how am I supposed to get rid of the MS's with out it?"

"You'll have to figure this one out on your own I'm afraid. Farewell." And Gandalf hung up. Sighing, Aragorn hung up and replaced the Palantir back in it's drawer. Then he went off to find Legolas. He found him sitting outside, reading a book.

"Legolas we have a problem…" Legolas looked up, and Aragorn gasped. The Elf's usually flawless face had become all swollen and puffy and he had a fat lip. "What happened to you?"

"Let's just say that I had an allergic reaction to the cologne and your housekeeper thought I was an orc."

"Oh…I'm not much better, Arwen found my stash and thought I was having an affair and so now she's in Rohan and won't leave until I get rid of it."

"Having an affair?"

"I never really explained to her what an MS was, I just told her I was 'away on business.'"

"That wasn't smart…"

"I know, don't remind me." Just then Legolas's ipalantir rang.

"Oh, hey it's from the Hobbits." He hit a button and what he thought were several orcs appeared on the screen.

"Hey, where are the hobbits?"

"We are the hobbits! Where's Legolas?" the four little orcs said.

"I'm right here with Aragorn, I had an allergic reaction to the Balrog Breath Cologne. What happened to you guys?"

"Apparently hobbits can over eat, we've each gained about 50 pounds and we haven't bathed in 2 weeks. Does that answer your question?"

"Well, did it work though?" Legolas asked. Shocked at the hobbit's appearance.

" Yes, but we can't go on like this. I've already written my will." Frodo said. "I'm so far gone I even left the rest of the silver table-wear to Lobelia!"

"Well what about your wives?" Aragorn asked Sam, Merry and Pippin.

"Fortunately they're on vacation with the kids, but they get back in a week. How did Arwen take this?" Sam asked.

"She thought I was having an affair and so now she's in Rohan staying with Eowyn."

"I almost think having the MS's was better than this. I'm so covered in dirt I can't feel my toes!" Merry complained, holding his foot up for them to see. It was covered in so much dirt it didn't even look like a foot anymore, just a pile of mud.

"That's it! I'm going to take a shower!" Pippin cried and he disappeared off the screen. Merry fallowed, then Sam and Frodo both announced they were done with the whole plan and disappeared. Legolas slammed the ipalantir down and looked up at Aragorn.

"I have to agree with them. This was a stupid idea." And he walked off to find the nearest lake, having officially been thrown out of the palace by the angry housekeeper. Aragorn stood in the courtyard, thinking seriously about the whole thing. Then finally he had an idea and he went to call Gandalf.

THREE DAYS LATER…

Aragorn heard the doorbell ring and ran to answer it. The postman stood at the doorway, holding two boxes, one long and tall box, and the other rather short.

"Uhh, is this the Estel residence?"

"Yes," Aragorn replied, overjoyed, "where do I sign?" A clipboard was handed to him and he scribbled his signature.

"Thank you sir, have a nice day." And the postman left. Aragorn excitedly ripped open the taller package and yelled for Legolas, who came running. Fortunately his face had returned to normal and he was brushing his hair when he came in.

"Their here! They're finally here! Ha! Look at this!" and he held up a life-size cardboard cutout of himself. "Here's yours!" and he pulled out a life size Legolas.

"Where did you get them?"

"Gandalf made them for me! Now all we have to do is set them up and the MS's will never know the difference! I'm a genius! Ha ha ha!" and he went dancing gleefully around the palace entryway.

"Wow, he really did figure a good plan out!" Legolas said, admiring himself. "OK, Aragorn, dude, like kill the dancing…"

"Oh, sorry, but now Arwen can come back, the hobbits will return to normal and no more puffy face elves! YAY!"

Aragorn shipped the hobbits their cutouts and all was happy in Gondor and Hobbiton again. It took the Hobbits a little while to loose the weight and Legolas made sure he still avoided the housekeeper but it all worked out. Arwen returned from Rohan and forgave Aragorn, though she still said she could smell the cologne a little, even though he had had the carpet cleaned….


End file.
